Now that you're back, let's compare notes. I want to start by saying that I admire the fact that these writers have thrown themselves into unfriendly territory and are honestly interested in the facts. That said, I've noticed two problems in their analyses:
- They do not have a very good grasp of what well-run game looks like (or are not interested in representing it, because it would make their articles much harder to write - unlikely, but possible).
- They do not present any alternative system to pick-up or traditional dating.
In the end, I think they are fighting something they don't understand. Their problem is not with game, but with something much more insidious - the influence of the Weaponized Nice Guy (WNG)* - which we'll return to later.
*This term owes a huge debt to the term "Nice Guy (TM)" which comes from Heartless Bitches International. For further explanation / another viewpoint, see this visual aid.
At the very beginning of More Pickup Advice for Shy Guys, Rachel Rabbit White briefly describes a pick-up attempt that begins with a neg that failed. This is like describing baseball to someone and showing them a blooper reel. Like talking about democracy and showing this clip of former Senator George Allen (R - VA).
But we cannot reasonably expect them to know what great game looks like - most pop culture characterizations have been ridiculous (Mystery), oblivious (Zap Brannigan), or unbalanced (Patrick Bateman). In addition to any other personality trait, sexism is a pervasive undertone of their behavior.
It's not difficult to find examples of great game when you understand what it looks like. Cinema provides myriad examples. Think of Bogart in Casablanca, Cary Grant in North By Northwest (among many other films), Harrison Ford in the Indiana Jones Trilogy (yes, trilogy), or Penn Badgley in Easy A for a more recent example.
For the most part, these men do not represent the excesses or failures of game identified in these articles, and all of them adhere strictly to various game principles.
- In Casablanca, Bogart keeps people at a distance, consistently controls strong frames, makes sure to talk to all members of a group.
- In North By Northwest, Grant makes repeated clever innuendos and is consistently teasing his love interest.
- Particularly in the Last Crusade, Ford has one brilliant exchange where he and his love interest are making out while listing characteristics they dislike in a partner - knowingly describing one another in the process.
- In Easy A, Penn Badgley engages when given opportunities, providing his love interest with what she wants without being asked.
All of these are clear principles in game (in order, the freeze-out, framing, acting as the Alpha Male of the Group [AMOG], a Show of Interest [SOI], mild negging, building cognitive dissonance, and advantage seeking behavior). For the most part, I would be surprised to hear a wide cross section of women criticize their behavior.
One anecdote that resonates with me from Neil Strauss' book The Game (which in large part fueled mainstream interest in the PUA community) took place at a seminar. The men in the seminar were told to talk to women about the interesting things they'd done in their lives, anything exciting. One man piped up and said "What if I don't have any interesting stories?" He was told to "go live life for six months," before he tried to meet women, told to provide some value.
At core, game is an act of self improvement: dressing more stylishly, learning how to take control in conversations rather than following constantly, doing interesting things, teasing and playing with women the same way we do with our friends. In short, becoming more comfortable with ourselves, and who we want to be.
And this is where one of these authors begins to hit the mark. In Nice Guys: Finish First Without Pickup Artistry, Amanda Marcotte lists the various pieces of advice she would give men in lieu of the advice in the Pick-up Artist (PUA) community; I've combined several items for ease of analysis. Where possible, I'm going to include articles from reputable game sources that make these same points.
- Be Generous About Women's Motivations / Believe That Sex Is Not A Battle
The first point deals with male perceptions of women; men should not view women as adversaries. It's as simple as that. One of the steps in moving from being an Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) is letting go of any past resentment you might have for women 'withholding' sex, for them making an emotional demand of you that should be placed on a partner. You cannot be successful in a relationship with women if you are angry at women. This article from Fast Seduction 101 (widely regarded as one of the best and oldest game resources on the internet) is general observations on game; so many of the early items make these same points.
- Make a List of Traits You're Looking For In A Woman, Assess To Match That List, Make Changes
The point is two simple questions: What do I want? How do I get it? It's a good system for any problem you might face in life. This is another of the basic steps required to step away from self-pity and blaming women for every romantic failure. You cannot expect to successfully pick-up unless you can undertake (and complete) this journey. The entirety of The Game chronicles this process for Neil Strauss and many others.
- Develop Real Self Confidence
She's totally right here. Combine positive framing with some concrete successes. And it's taught just like this to people learning how to pick-up. Just like the anecdote about the man with no stories, confidence cannot exist without outlook and evidence. The man with no stories needed evidence. Here's an article from FS101 that makes most of these points, though with an emphasis on fashion.
A more exhaustive search could turn up more examples, but for the moment, these will serve just fine.
The examples listed also do a wonderful job of illustrating another point; valuable information can be obscured by ideology. The single-minded obsession with sleeping with every girl seems a bit juvenile, but if we strip that away, we have much of the same advice that these women are trying to teach instead of game. But it is difficult to talk about sex, love and relationships without making assumptions and simplifications; in-artfully made they can appear sexist, even if that is not the intent. And objectification happens to those we're sexually attracted to (and is often a good thing, as long as it's paired with a healthy dose of reality).
However, when ideology becomes so strong that it becomes impossible to discern facts or trust judgments, we enter a new arena. Even worse when the ideology is based on underlying malice. And so we return to the Weaponized Nice Guy (WNG), which has become the underpinning of online game, with a paragon who goes by the name of Roissy. Roissy is a peculiar example of this phenomenon, who I'll leave for another day. Prepare yourself if you click the link, he's a hell of a creature.
The basic ethos of the WNG is "Why won't you sleep with me? I was nice to you!" WNGs can have various back stories - the 'might-as-well-be-gay' best friend, the brooding intellectual, the over-eager bumbler - but what unites them as a group is the mindset that women owe them sex. It's important to note that this frame may seem similar to those who think they are god's gift to women, but the belief that their actions can obligate other actions is deeply troubling in a different way. It's the difference between a dictator and a movie star.
The attitude of the WNG makes an aloof bad boy look that much better - they make choices and expect others to do the same, no obligation, no guilt, no coercion.
And the call of the WNG is alluring to any man who feels he's been 'wronged' by women. They tell you that the problem is all women, for being fickle and manipulative. They tell you to copy the men that you hated, that 'stole the girl' from you. They look for ways to ensure constant control, for methods to make any woman sleep with them.
This is pickup as control. For men who feel they have none, it will remain attractive, and it will work. The price is your soul.
We must excise the misogyny from game, take the elements that let men and women have more fulfilling relationships and build upon them (there are many). These men have little hope and feel they have no control in life. They will follow anyone who will give them more of either - and the WNGs will continue to do so.
It is good to have help on this project, other voices suggesting to men that there are other ways to live and love. So I return to where I started - praising these authors for seeking a new path for men.
It's the aim I have as well.
